Note from the author: Exploring one’s sex life is a delicate and challenging endeavor regardless of the personal circumstances. Some people avoid the subject at any cost while others are willing to openly discuss intimate details – even with total strangers. I have tried my best to approach the subject with discretion.
Over the summer, my husband and I stayed at a local resort for a long weekend. It seemed much longer than a 3-night stay when the dreaded subject of our diminished sex life finally emerged on the 2nd night. We had ignored the issue for several years, but I knew it would eventually come up, and I was prepared.
If you have visited my blog, you might know that in the early days of our relationship, I had encouraged and willingly participated in Bill’s crossdressing and particular flavor of erotic activity. It wasn’t until I learned about his long-time secret life on the internet that involved sexual encounters with other CDs that I turned my back on the entire lifestyle and grew a complete disdain for his preferred attire and related “hobbies.”
The night the subject came up, I reminded him of his debaucherous history and how I would no longer be used as a stand-in or prop until he could arrange for the real thing. I no longer get frustrated or angry at his futile attempts at denial. I reminded him of the copies of emails and photo exchanges with his friends and followers I found on his specialty websites. He stormed out of the room and returned drunk several hours later. And that was the end of the discussion on that topic. We went back to living as comfortable agnostic roommates.
I shared this story with my cisgender sisters – some of whom are married to run-of-the-mill crossdressers who have no desire to identify as a female, and others who are carrying on in a marriage involving a husband who is transgender and undergoing medical and drug therapy to further their transition. Their experiences with changes to their sex life were oddly similar regardless of their situation, but one thing to keep in mind. Almost all of these women had no idea of their husbands’ or partners’ crossdressing or transgender tendencies until long after the vows were exchanged. As the results of my survey in 2022 revealed, very few wives knew before marriage and responded they would not have married him had they known.
One typical response to varying degrees involved being “turned off” and even disgusted at seeing their husband in feminine lingerie in the bedroom. Many try to keep quiet about just how much it bothers them and affects their sexual desires. Others described how their husband would only engage in intercourse if she played the dominant or traditional “male” role involving sex toys or other props – much as I experienced at the beginning of my relationship with Bill. Although a few gave it a try, most had no interest in that kind of role-play.
One wife shared how her TG husband proclaimed that since he now identified as a female, complete with breasts, she must accept being a lesbian. A declaration that riled up the group to unbelievable heights. The wife angrily said, “How dare he call ME a lesbian simply because HE decided to become a SHE.” (Honestly people, you have the right to live your life as you see fit, but don’t call your wife or partner a lesbian unless she voluntarily identifies as one. Trust me, no good will come of it!)
After listening to over a dozen wives and partners of CDs or TGs where certain interests were revealed, it seemed common for sex to mostly disappear in the relationship even before trust or love disappeared. Sadly, many of these women mourned the loss of their spouse as if he had died. “My husband is dead, and now I live with a total stranger,” one said.
In some cases, it was the CD or TG who first stepped away from any kind of sexual activity with their wife, which was rarely met with much resistance. However, wives whose husband was a casual CD or engaged in the activity mostly in private reported it having minimal impact on their sex life. It was marriages with a TG wanting to identify as a female where it appeared to have significant effects. These wives said they were not interested in having sex with another woman because they married a man, and that is who they want to be intimate with – and who they fell in love with.
The question of why these couples stay together has been explored in previous articles and on my website, so I won’t repeat all if it here. However, not uncommonly, the main reason seems to be for financial reasons or for school-age children. Still, many wives report living lonely and painfully unhappy – often retreating to separate bedrooms or eventually divorce court to escape the misery, especially as their husband’s transition progresses.
One cannot expect to make a colossal life-altering change, such as a gender transition, and expect things in their life or relationships to remain the same, thus the excruciating decision, sacrifices, and experiences one must face to live one’s true self.