I love my trans boyfriend, but sometimes I miss a certain body part

Hi Jake,

I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my current boyfriend (FTM) for almost two years and I love him very much. Being with him has helped me grow into the best version of myself. I also find him very attractive and sexy. I have no plans to leave him, and I would never cheat on him or do anything to hurt him.

With that being said… I miss sex with cis men. It’s not like there’s anyone in particular in mind, but I miss performing oral and bottoming, specifically. I feel bad even saying it because it’s not something my boyfriend can control, and at the end of the day it’s just a superficial body part.

How about we take this to the next level?

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I keep trying to just forget those feelings and be grateful for such an amazing relationship, but I also can’t pretend like I don’t think about it. How am I supposed to reconcile this?

All Parts Considered

Dear All Parts Considered,

It sounds like you’re being pretty hard on yourself for simply thinking about something you once enjoyed, and missing that. Just because you feel that way, it doesn’t mean you love your partner any less, nor does it discount the wonderful things your relationship provides. It also doesn’t mean your partner isn’t good enough.

At the end of the day, we all have various aptitudes, capabilities, and advantages to bring to a relationship… but it’s unfair to expect a partner to fulfill every single need and desire we might have at all times, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation… unless you’ve already given up on humanity for an AI boyfriend!

In fact, I can hear how much you truly love and respect your boyfriend, so clearly, your connection runs much deeper than a certain body part. You simply miss some things that he can’t currently provide you, but that’s not the end of the world.

In many (most?) relationships, there’s logistical roadblocks to work through, whether it be an age difference, a discord in HIV status, opposite schedules, incongruent sex drives, or even physical distance, all of which may pose obstacles to getting needs met.

While it may be hard, I’d think about sharing your truth with your boyfriend. Sure, you might worry that he’ll feel bad that he can’t meet your needs, but what’s most important to convey is that you still love him no matter what, and this issue is by no means his fault–not to mention the fact that you’re still totally turned on by him!

By talking it through, you may discover some solutions, or in some cases, even saying it out loud and feeling heard can feel like enough, and you realize all you really needed was to express yourself.

Who knows, maybe you’ll talk it out, and come up with a plan B. For example, trying out certain “body part” shaped toys might be a sufficient adjunct to your sex life. Or, maybe it’s time to consider opening up your relationship to include a cis man in the bedroom, in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. Regardless, by sharing in a vulnerable way and collaborating on the issue, you’ll build trust, intimacy, and respect in your relationship, which can only strengthen it.

Let’s face it, no man has everything, so I say you take the wins when you can, and the rest will work itself out. Having a long-term relationship with someone who sees, supports, and loves you is a rare find. A penis, on the other hand, is a dime a dozen.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.

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