Study finds surprising number of men wearing “straight jackets” feel pressured to stay in unhappy relationships
For a significant number of people, the prison of being in a romantic relationship with a member of the wrong sex is akin to wearing a “straight jacket.”
That’s the term researchers use to describe the challenges that bisexual people encounter when dating. A new study from the University of British Columbia and Lancaster University found one of the biggest problems plaguing relationships is the “inconsistency between a person’s sexual identity or attraction, and whether they are in a same-sex or different-sex relationship.”
The issue is more common than one may think. Researchers tracked over 3,500 U.S. couples between 2017 and 2022, and found 41%(!) of women in gay relationships feel attracted to people other than women. For men, the largest number of “straight jackets” appear to be worn in heterosexual relationships: 3% of men dating women report same-sex attraction.
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“This inconsistency between individuals’ sexual identity or attraction and the type of partnership they are in is an understudied, hidden phenomenon,” said co-author Dr. Yue Qian
Unsurprisingly, people stuck in “straight jackets” are less satisfied in their relationships. Men in different-sex relationships who don’t identify as straight or are attracted to men saw their satisfaction scores drop from 0.4-0.5 points on a 5-point scale. The chances of their partnerships ending were 1.8 to 2.2 times likelier than the general population.
The question of why men who like men would exclusively date women comes back to the well-worn topic of societal norms. There are all sorts of expectations placed on straight men, and how they should pursue romantic affection.
“Society has established expectations for how different-sex couples should behave, but less so for same-sex unions as they have just gained legal and social recognition in recent decades,” said Dr. Qian. “Especially if we think about men, their heterosexuality tends to be closely regulated by rigid societal expectations.”
While women are also governed by romantic norms, they enjoy greater flexibility. For a variety of reasons, the idea of a woman hooking up with another woman is more accepted than a man hooking up with another man. (Overall, women identify as more sexually fluid than men.)
Thus, though 11% of women in different-sex relationships report attraction inconsistency, the impact on their relationships are less grave.
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Monogamous gay couple says they’re sick & tired of being asked this one question…
A gay man in a monogamous relationship wishes people would stop asking him if he’s “open.”
A poster in the “Gay Men” sub-Reddit recently personified the pressure that bi men face to date women with a story about his parents. He says he came out to them when he was 32 years old and dating another guy.
He says they asked why he didn’t just date women, and all kinds of inappropriate questions.
“Why didn’t you get a girlfriend if you’re bi? You don’t have to be with a guy,” they allegedly said.
That line of questioning shows why some bi men tie themselves to heteronormativity. It’s just easier.
The fact that society is geared towards rigid sexual identification doesn’t help matters, either.
“There is a tension between popular understanding of relationships in our society and the diversity of human sexuality,” said Qian. “Legislation, for example, often classifies relationships into either a same-sex relationship or a different-sex relationship, but human sexuality is much more complex than the straight-gay binary.”
As queer people, we understand that, which probably speaks to why we’re far more open-minded about matters like non-monogamy. Still, that doesn’t mean we don’t perpetrate judgement, either. A monogamous gay couple in Portland, Oregon recently wrote into their hometown newspaper complaining about always being asked if they’re “oPeN??”
The takeaway is, everybody’s emotional and sexual needs are different. We’ve even covered a happy different-sex couple whose attractions don’t add up.
A gay man married his straight best friend, and says their bond “transcends sexuality.”
Whatever works!
Related
This gay man married his straight girlfriend, says monogamous relationship “transcends” sexuality
He’s gay, she’s straight, and they’re happily married.
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