I’m sick of guys gasping every time I drop my pants. Am I crazy to consider surgical intervention?
Hi Jake,
I hate being uncircumcised. I’m the oldest of three boys and, for some inexplicable reason, I’m the only one that didn’t get the snip when I was born. It has always bothered me.
I thought I’d eventually grow out of it, but I’m now in my 30s and I’m still bothered by the way I look. I also don’t like the reactions I get from guys I hook up with. Rarely does anyone NOT comment on it. Some men fetishize my uncut penis, which I find mildly annoying. Others have expressed shock and even disgust the first time they see it, which has been damaging to my mental health.
How about we take this to the next level?
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I recently started seriously considering adult circumcision, but I’m worried about the risks. I know it’s a very painful procedure and you can sometimes suffer permanent reduction in sensation and even scarring. The last thing I want is a deformed dong! I’m really grappling with what to do.
Cutting to the Chase
Dear Cutting to the Chase,
No one likes to feel different, and if you’re being treated with bias because of some physical attribute you were born with, it can be frustrating… and, as you’ve noted, even affect your self-esteem.
When dissatisfaction with our physical appearance starts to impact our mental health, we have two options. We can either change our appearance, if the benefits outweigh the risks, or we can focus on fully embracing and loving ourselves, so that ultimately what we perceive as a “flaw” begins to lose its power, regardless of others people’s opinions.
As you point out, adult circumcision carries a whole range of risks and potential side effects, and could even leave you feeling worse about yourself than before. Which brings us to Option B…
As Queen Gaga sings in her LGBTQ+ anthem of self-acceptance, “I’m beautiful in my way, ’cause God makes no mistakes.” If by “God” she means the way that nature created the male body in all its glory, she’s right! Being uncircumcised is how we all came into this world and is therefore arguably more “natural” than being circumcised.
Biologists and cultural researchers generally agree that men are born with foreskin because it serves several evolutionary and biological purposes, including acting as a protective layer for the penis (keeping it clean and injury-free), adding to sexual sensation through a high concentration of nerve endings, and lubrication and comfort.
In other words, the removal of the foreskin through circumcision is largely a cultural practice rather than a biological one. In fact, circumcision was promoted in the U.S. in the late 1800s as part of the Victorian era’s concerns about hygiene and sexual morality, which are largely outdated and irrelevant today. Hit up some guys in Europe, and you’ll likely find yourself in the majority, as circumcision isn’t as common there—80% to 99% of men are uncircumcised, compared to only 20% to 40% in the U.S.
When a guy finds it “weird” or “gross,” it’s simply because that it’s unfamiliar to him due to societal norms, not because of any biological defect. In your case, you say you don’t like being uncut, but I wonder how much of that comes from the reactions that you’re getting from guys, rather than from inside you. A decision as extreme as surgery should be driven by personal fulfillment, not external pressures.
Of course, it’s completely fine for guys to have their preferences—everyone is entitled to what they like. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
Rather than internalizing the opinions of others, try to accept yourself as having something unique, that’s actually more organic to our natural form, not to mention more pleasurable. (Don’t forget all those extra nerve endings!) Instead of changing yourself to meet the needs of others, how about finding others who align with your needs, which is to find partners who appreciate your uniqueness and beauty?
You can certainly speak up for yourself and set boundaries if someone is offensive or rude, and not allow that person in your space. On the contrary, if you’re feeling fetishized and uncomfortable about that, you can remind that person you’re a whole human being, not just a penis.
So, sure, surgery is an option, but I tend to believe that what Gaga preaches is a much healthier approach. “Don’t hide yourself in regret. Just love yourself and you’re set!”
If anything, there’s more to you to love…
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
